Then came yesterday.
1. No more than 30 minutes into school, Queen Goldfish came walking up to me while I was taking attendance. Calmly, she not-so-quietly shares that she believes (rightfully so) that she has just "pooped herself a little bit." No lie. The poor thing apparently has been having "issues" and, while she should be at home, instead she was sent to school with an upset stomach. Luckily, no one catches on and we're able to make our escape to the clinic while the rest of the class goes to PE.
Later in the day, the principal pulls me aside to tell me that the mom's explanation was that (and she quoted) "My girls like to force themselves to pass gas and make themselves poop their pants." (You're welcome for the term substitution.)
I'd like to share more about my thoughts on that, but I fear that 1. I will become disrespectful to a parent who I'm almost sure is doing their best. Or something. and 2. I will go on forever.
2. I send my students to the bathroom in small groups of three or four. I have my Bug Lover, who is having trouble keeping his hands to himself lately (or keeps his hands TOO MUCH to himself, if you get my drift)... so I sent him with 2 of my most responsible students. Flash forward 10 minutes (it's a long walk to the bathroom) when they come busting back into our quiet writing workshop and exclaim from across the room "BUG LOVER WAS HUMPING THE MIRROR!"
His account during my interrogation: "Well, I heard that you can't really see yourself up close, so I got as close as I could to the mirror."
Me: "Is that all?"
BL: "Well... I... uh... I was moving around a little."
And, well, for those gloriously innocent students who didn't know what "humping" meant, at least they learned something yesterday. They probably now think that every time they move around in front of a mirror they are humping it. For me, I just ignored the vocabulary lesson. Ignore is a strategy. Yup. That's my story.
Thank you, four day weekend.